Limerence or NRE?
When Longing Becomes All Consuming
I couldn’t say for sure if it was watching Heated Rivalry, listening to Lucy Dacus’ song “Limerence,” or simply the sense of summer romance in the air, but I’ve been thinking a lot about longing. As I reflect on my own relationships and my clients’ experiences, my mind returns to the age-old dilemma of when passion is worth the potential heartbreak. I can feel the physical discomfort of waiting for a phone call or wondering whether your feelings are reciprocated, as well as the delight of discovering a deep and meaningful new connection. These reflections lead me to a central question: when does healthy attraction and desire shift from the excitement of new relationship energy (NRE) into the more debilitating experience of limerence?
For those unfamiliar with these terms, limerence is a psychological concept first described by Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. Tennov defines limerence as an involuntary, obsessive attachment to an idealized person—the “limerent object” (LO).
While limerence can be unrequited, NRE is driven by mutual attraction and is common in the early stages of a new relationship, when the desire to be near a partner can feel all-consuming and intoxicating. Though NRE can arise in any relationship, the concept is widely discussed in polyamorous communities, where this new excitement often coexists with more established, long-term partnerships. Understanding the impact of NRE on existing relationships can be an important part of navigating feelings like jealousy and making thoughtful decisions in the presence of intense but often temporary emotional states.
More on Limerence
The stages of limerence can help differentiate it from NRE. The first stage, “infatuation,” involves developing a real or perceived connection with the LO. This is the “love at first sight” feeling, often accompanied by magical thinking and fantasies about the potential of a relationship.
The next stage, “crystallization,” is when infatuation intensifies. You may begin to organize your life around seeing or being with the LO. Thoughts about them become increasingly consuming, often at the expense of your own needs, responsibilities, and other relationships. Your emotional world may start to hinge on whether your feelings are reciprocated.
The final phase, “deterioration,” occurs when it becomes clear that a genuine, mutual relationship is unlikely or impossible. This realization can be deeply painful, often accompanied by a sense of loss, disillusionment, or emotional collapse.
Research suggests that limerence may be linked to early experiences of inconsistency, neglect, or unmet emotional needs, as well as to insecure attachment patterns. There is also evidence that individuals with ADHD may be more prone to limerence as a form of relational hyperfocus. Additionally, limerence has been compared to addictive processes, with surges of dopamine contributing to the emotional “high” associated with contact—or even imagined contact—with the LO.
From a relational perspective, limerence often reflects not just a longing for the other person, but a reenactment of earlier experiences of emotional hunger, unpredictability, or unavailability.
What to Look Out For
Looking across these stages, the distinction between NRE and limerence often centers on reciprocity and the possibility of an authentic connection. Signs to be mindful of include:
Idealizing the LO or new romantic partner as flawless or uniquely perfect
Neglecting your own needs or other relationships in favor of the connection
Feeling unusually anxious or physically unsettled both in the person’s presence and in their absence
Experiencing intense emotional highs and lows, with your mood closely tied to their behavior
Noticing patterns of intermittent reinforcement—receiving just enough attention to remain emotionally invested
Engaging in obsessive behaviors such as repeatedly checking social media, or constantly waiting for texts or calls
Unfortunately, it can be difficult to distinguish between NRE and limerence until you are already deeply involved. While NRE may evolve into a more grounded and mutual connection, limerence often leads to emotional depletion or distress.
What You Can Do
If you find yourself questioning the nature of your feelings, it may be helpful to reflect on:
What specifically draws you to this person? What qualities feel compelling—and do any feel familiar, even if they are painful? In many situations, limerence may be more about wanting to be like the LO than wanting to be with him/her/they.
Is there genuine reciprocity? Or are you disproportionately initiating contact, making plans, or rearranging your life?
What does a healthy relationship look like to you—and how closely does this dynamic align with that vision?
Are you able to communicate openly and set boundaries? If not, what do you imagine might happen if you tried?
If you are struggling with these questions, speaking with a therapist can provide space to explore the deeper patterns at play. Forming a new connection can be one of life’s most meaningful experiences, but it is equally important to maintain a clear and compassionate understanding of what the relationship actually is. Whether we are talking about NRE or limerence, protecting your emotional and relational well-being—while staying connected to your broader life—remains essential.
